My life so far:

Looks like I’m going to be homeless again real soon. This time for good.

I don’t know what to say anymore, really. This topic has been exhausted to its core already: my family is dysfunctional, my parents think I’m a joke, and everything after that leads to my writing at six in the morning of the 18th of September that yes, I might be getting kicked out in the next few days if things don’t settle down.

I don’t know what my crime is. I just wanted to write, just wanted to pursue my dreams. I never knew it would be this shattering.

But I need to survive first. There’ll be time for crying later. So, a list:

1. Pack bags. Take only the stuff that you bought with your own money. Leave everything behind that was provided for since birth, because your parents demand it. It’s a good thing that you have the presence of mind to buy your own clothes over the years, else you’ll be leaving your house naked.

2. Take all your books. Put in boxes. Contact friends who can keep these for you until you find a decent place to stay. If worse comes to worst, you will have to sell them if you need to get by and stay alive. Divide those that you can’t give away against those that you can let go. And among those that you swear you’ll keep forever, pick one book. It must be That One Book that will provide some measure of spirit to keep you going, just in case it comes to that point.

3. Save a copy of all your contacts. You will have to let go of your mobile phone.

4. Save a copy of all your files onto your external hard disk. This is very important. You knew there was a reason why you insisted that you buy that external hard disk out of your own money. If ever you can’t bring your laptop with you, at least you have a copy of everything that you need.

5. Steal your laptop. Yes it’s your parents’ graduation gift to you, but the fact still remains that they bought it. So most likely they will demand that you leave it behind. Put up a big fight over this (since you’re leaving anyway), and if that doesn’t work out, steal it.

6. Pack your cameras. They’re all yours. If you work harder, you can make a living out of it, too.

7. Look for a place to stay. There are transient houses, rooms for rent, bedspacers, dormitories, and all that. Start calling.

8. Look for a job (if you can’t steal your laptop). Your freelance thing (and your dreams) might have to be postponed again. Indefinitely. Try looking for a job that does not require corporate clothing, because you don’t own that many clothes.

9. Stack up on ulcer medicines. Be prepared to go hungry.

10. Be strong. You have spent the last twenty-two years surviving. You can do this.

Dear Heath,

I was a skeptic coming to the theater. Batman was my favourite superhero of all time. All that talk about The Dark Knight being the best Batman film in history made me wince. How can one achieve such a thing? To be able to grasp the depth of Bruce Wayne’s character is something no actor or director has touched yet, ever. So I said I wasn’t going to believe anything until I’ve seen it. And last night, I sat in awe as the credits rolled.

Thank you, Heath. Thank you for giving me the Batman character and the Batman film I’ve always dreamed of. It was all because of you, and you weren’t even the caped crusader himself. And because I’ve no one to talk about it at this hour, I’m writing you a letter in my journal, secretly hoping that the cosmic forces are at work to give this to you on the other side.

You were as good as they said you were. Seeing you again onscreen - I thought I was looking at the face of an old friend. I don’t know if I should say this - I don’t even know if I have a right to say it, or think about it - but I think I understand now why you died. Why you had to pass away at the most inopportune time, why you had to go quietly - where else but in your sleep, something that you needed badly if you have to keep yourself sane. Sleep was your way of keeping the demons at bay, your own ghosts, leftovers from one of the greatest films I’ve ever seen. To be able to do that kind of performance, you must’ve have lived The Joker’s life for a time, studied him, scrutinized him. Christopher Nolan said he chose you because you were fearless. And he was right. You were magnificent.

The only regret I now have is that you won’t see all of this, all of us cheering you on. In fact, I’m still waiting for you to make a big comeback, laughing, clapping your hands, being so full of life - and tell all that the joke’s on us.

Thank you for giving strength to Batman’s character. I loved him most among all the others. I loved him because he was human, and he couldn’t have come face-to-face with the limits of his own humanity if it wasn’t for you, Heath. You made it happen, because you made the film real. And it wasn’t just Batman; you did it to me, to all of us. At every chaos you instigated, you made us look at the people faced with choices and we see ourselves.

And unlike what others have been saying, about how you upstaged everyone else, I’ll have this to say: the film was clearly NOT about your character. Through and through, it was about Batman. It should have been all about you, and had the character been handed to any other person, that might have just happened. But the method in your acting was so precise, that although your brilliance was so stark and poignant, your character was able to round the story up and bring it back to Batman. The Joker enabled Batman to own this film, which is why, at the very heart of it, the film was about you, the actor, and the heart that you put into all of this.

I’ve always believed that a superhero is only as good as his adversity, as in real life — you won’t know how strong and resilient you are until you’re faced with your worst fears. And Batman’s enemy is not The Joker, but his own humanity, his conscience, his choices. His fights are as old as the history of our world: the survival of order amongst chaos, the perseverance of the light against the darkness. And to win the battle, he must be ironic. He needs to dive into chaos to restore order, he needs to fight in the dark to keep the people safe during the day. And this tongue-in-cheek philosophy is what makes me love him.

And yeah, because he’s also an obsessed, miserable bastard. At the end of the day, when he’s done risking his life for the city, the real phantoms, the dark clouds of his past, will be what Bruce Wayne, stripped of the costume, will have to face on his own. Here, he toes the line; here I can say, he is as human as the rest of us.

And your portrayal of The Joker toed that line, too. You made him a person that we can understand, and not just a character that we can dismiss once the story is finished. You made me frightened of him, you also made me struggle as I deliberated on suspending my belief in The Joker as a human being so I can hate him, versus understanding his mind, his own psyche so I can empathize with the person that he has become.

The whole film was an exhilarating journey. Of course, you didn’t make it easy. And of course I love you for it.

There’s a wave of nostalgia now. And there will always be. Thank you for giving the performance of your life. You were gone too soon. I hope you’re in a place now where you can begin again. I’m sure you’ll still be as dedicated, and as fantastic.

Rest easy, Heath Ledger.

Superstar

When I wrote this, I knew it. I knew exactly that my fears will come true. It’s not a matter of psyching my brain for self-actualized disasters to counter my happiness, it just is.

My Bad Karma in Exchange for Good Karma

1. The two job offers went down the drain. The scenario changed so suddenly I was really flabbergasted. Verklempt. What else do you want me to say? One turned me down because I was overqualified. I didn’t know what I did to be too deserving of the position. What does one do to be an editorial assistant? How do I dumb myself down so I can get the job? Apparently, with less than a year of experience, I am still too much for the job.

The other one didn’t want me to work full-time, which baffled me a lot. They said they didn’t want to let go of me because of what I can do, but they just can’t absorb me right now. What the hell does that mean? (And when I did ask what it meant, I didn’t get an answer.)

2. My grandfather and my father were confined at the hospital. Those were two of the most exhausting weeks of my life.

3. I’m still jobless.

4. After three years of really, really fighting hard for it, I’m at this point again. Back in college, the diagnosis was I needed to see a psychologist and take antidepressant and antianxiety pills. The same diagnosis given to me when I was in senior year of high school, dammit. But I said no, and I helped myself along the way. Persisted to keep my head above the water. Now I’m just feeling that all too familiar pull and I’m just really scared.

More Good Karma That Might Result to Another Exchange of Bad Karma

1. My online portfolio is temporarily here. With nothing much in my hands because the freelance thing is a bit slow, I had more time to make another portfolio. I don’t know why, I just feel like it will come in handy.

2. My parents have pretty much accepted that I will never again settle for a fucktard job like I did the first time around, because I will really kick my own ass if I did. This doesn’t stop them though from pulling a Michael Kors during deliberation time at Project Runway, ie insult your soul while making a very accurate observation of your self-worth. So I guess I’ll just have to swallow their side comments for the rest of my life, in exchange of their artificial understanding of my stubbornness.

In line with this, since they also can’t stand seeing me apply at independent companies, whose names they can’t brag about to their friends by the virtue of the companies being unknown to many, I’ve been told that if I wanted to start my own business, I have their go signal. All I have to do is create a very sound business plan and present it to them formally.

I don’t know what to do, really. And this is exactly what I feel, what I’m scared of, 100% these days:

“[I never wanted to be my own boss.]…I don’t think i’ve ever wanted that, in fact i’ve often shied away from it, during the dot-com heydey, and consciously chosen the boring default. I’m not sure why exactly, whether it’s sharing a name with the unbelieving apostle, cowardice, conveniene or just high resilience to bs. It doesn’t really matter after all, the point I wanted to make was that I never dreamed of being my own boss, i would have been contented working for other people all my life. in fact I think I would mostly prefer to be part of a team, with limited responsibility for having to make it all make sense (and money).

Yet here I am, running a small non-profit with Sebastian. Responsible for my own destiny, our success, and a lot of other high-brow things. It just happened this way. I found the ideal business in ict’s for the developing world, in which i had more fun, more fullfillment, and more interesting challenges in 3 month than i would have in a year of web agency, dot-not mayhem. I knew that that was what i wanted to work with, and i took the only path that presented itself to me. being my own boss.

It’s haunting me now. I can’t help but feel misplaced in so many ways. I can’t help but dream of having a regular job, with colleagues, limited responsibility, and the ability to run away screaming if it all becomes too much. Perhaps that’s really what it is, a fear of being trapped. trapped in a construct i invented, trapped in a job that i don’t really want, but can’t run away from, because that would be running away from myself and my dream.

i think that’s probably a large part of it. it’s a responsibility i never wanted, but having taken it upon myself, despite this fat, i need to deal with it or find a way out that leaves at least a few bridges standing.”

I don’t know if I’m just lacking in self-belief. I’m pretty sure if this was presented to me a year ago I’d be balls out with this thing. My elder sister firmly believes I can do it. I wish I have her enthusiasm. I just don’t know if this is what I should be doing.

3. I got my final paycheck from my old job. And there’s nothing else to say. I mean, of course I miss some of the people there, the beautiful people who have become my friends. Meeting a wonderful person like Gingey was one of the best things that happened to me. I firmly believe that a strong bond existed between us in our past lives.

But no matter what they say, I’m still glad I left. And I’m happy that two of my friends left. Because it’s just not the best place to work. Ever. It sucks the life out of you. I’m sorry, I just have to say it. With people leaving, a lot of them have been pretty sentimental in their blogs the past few weeks, and I just can’t bring myself to say anything else but give them all a virtual hug. If you can be the person who can stand an adversity with a little help from your friends, then by all means, embrace that kind of life.

It’s just not for me. I knew I had to fix my life, and relying on the power of friendship to get me through the day is not the answer. I might be seen as the loser, the stupid girl who quit before she had another job — but I’m not joking when I say that it was one of the smartest things I did in my life.

———-
*sigh* I’m blabbering again, am I? No, I’m not drunk. It’s just three in the morning and I’ve been sitting here thinking all day. Just sitting and thinking, would you believe it? All day. I know there are a lot of grammatical errors here but I’m too tired to edit myself. You are witnessing my brain on run-on function. Bye.

Bruise

1.
Over coffee, while the dark was slowly spilling over the sky, I told a friend how comfortable I was with my sadness. I said, I’ve always been sad. The man I loved knew that. He learned how to live with it, that feeling that sits beside me. He learned how to make me happy and never demanded that I trade all of it for his love. Which is why each time that we were together, I have never been happier and sadder in my life.

2.
In my music player I have eight versions of Bach’s Air. When I’m feeling sadder than usual I play all of them, all day long. Once, he asked me, Why do you love it so much, this piece? It’s so simple. Not even a notion of grandeur, what overtures are made for.

I said, Because it is all of the poems in the world put together. Because it is a long walk in the park beneath a sky without stars. Because it is dreamless. And most of all, because of its name: I lie on my back and I feel that I’m listening to air, to the sound of other people breathing, to the sound of your lungs exhaling, the sound of my lungs inhaling. I love this piece because this is the closest I can get to being under your skin. And this kept him silent.

A few nights later, with my head on his chest and Bach on the stereo, he thought he was giving me a surprise. Being half-French, he whispered in my ear, Air is just the French word for Aria, darling, and nothing more.

That is the most cruel thing that he did to me.

3.
When sleep eludes me and I’m too tired to chase it, I sit on this chair and write bruised declarations of a past life. I walk barefoot into the kitchen, open the fridge and look inside it for a long time. I turn on the TV and mute the sound. I stand in the middle of my room and look at my hands. I long for a window that isn’t there. I recite some lines from a Philip Dow poem:

Hunchbacked
by his heart
swollen with dreams
of wings, of girls whose breasts are antelope
trembling beneath the lightning
that seeds his spring: he hears the boes
of their unborn children
growing.
In his heart hut he lives,
a mute
chewing crimson flowers
to make speech, to keep
saying
what does this do
to save my life?

His words stall for time,
slave for the mortgage on his bones:
he knows he is a fool
who cannot solve it –
yet, goes at his heart over and over
repairing: with jellyfish, lame horses,
whistles, white cords of his body, white moths
seeking colors, damp alleys,
odors of knives,
trees, stumped, putting out tiny wings
of translucent new leaves anyway.

Impervious

The past week has been quite exciting and fun for me. Some good things dropped on my lap recently, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Somewhat. It’s not that I’m pessimistic.

Okay. I am pessimistic. But I’d rather be that than go through the shock of not getting what I want, each and every time. Saves fucking energy, you know. So anyway:

Things I’m Thinking About But Must Not Think About, Really
1. Two job offers I’m obsessing over. It’s a big dilemma of sorts, and the only way to sum it up is through Glenn Frey: Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you / Or are you goin’ back to the one you love?

Sorry, my taste in music is flawed, and the shitty side of it is showing now, but. You get what I mean. By the one who loves me, I meant the one who actually cares about what I can bring to the table and who actually took the time to look at my portfolio. And by the one I love, I meant, not really love love, but the main thing I was looking forward to being. Which also includes a Miranda Priestly incarnate.

2. My website is pushing through. Yay! In a bit this whole thing is going to move over to a whole new place, where I can keep track of myself. I’m creating some sort of home base, a command center, if you will (command center? WTF? I could hear Bruce Willis’ derisive laughter, circa Die Hard 4, in my head right now).

The one thing I’m thinking about is the big reveal. Should I tell my friends about it? I mean sure, I’ll tell my friends about it. But you know what I mean. The rest of the world. The ones whom I shied away for a long time, while I went on my own to regroup myself and fix my life. I’ve disappeared to a lot of people, you know that. You know what that means if you’re reading this now, because you’re one of the few who knows about this place, and by few, I meant few, really. I’ve been going over it in my head for awhile now, asking myself if it’s now time to come back. And honestly? I don’t know.

3. I have a pro account in Flickr! [Thank you, Carolina, love.] One of the things that kept me sane during all those times I couldn’t write poetry (even if I forced myself) was photography. And exploring Flickr opened worlds to me. I’ve met a lot of great people and gained a lot of perspective on the way I see my world versus how others see their world.

For a long time, I thought poetry was the only thing I have. The only thing I wanted to have. And when I came to the point that it’s not working anymore, when I was so frustrated of the things going on in my life, my disgust at myself was so palpable, you know? Poetry didn’t seem to fit anywhere, like it’s not meant to be a part of who I am. I was so angry at myself then, for being this way. For loving words this much. For spending years and years writing poems. And for finding myself in this situation, where it’s just not acceptable in the family, where my place among things was to not be a poet and be someone else entirely.

So I stashed away my notebooks and turned to something else. That’s how I happened to trace my childhood, walking back to my younger self, trying to sift through memories. There must be something else I could do, I’d think to myself. And voila - photography. When I found myself enjoying taking photos so much, do you know how much alarmed I was? To be not writing. I even dared myself to come as far as thinking, I could do without it. Poetry, I mean.

But I laugh now. Because every time I look at my photos, all I see are poems, words in my head being given a visual. Clearly, I am still me. I just can’t write now, but we’ll see.

—

*sigh*

I’ll stop now. I said I won’t think about it. And look, I went ahead and contradicted myself.

The point of all this rambling is that I felt really good last week. It rarely happens, as far as my history goes. So that’s my cause for alarm. Right now I’m just really nervous of what happens next. I’m rarely ever happy, and when I am, the payback’s always a bitch.

So. Yeah. This is a reminder to myself to not fuck things up in the next few days. Possibly, it is also a silent prayer to deliver bad karma to me in other ways, and not on my two job offers. Let’s steer clear away from that, okay, Fate? I’m in a bind already, as you know. Don’t add anything more to it, other than letting me choose what’s really meant for me. Please.

rainy day lament

It used to be that I haven’t been writing because life was currently happening to me.

Well it’s the opposite this time. Nothing has been happening, so why write about how terribly pathetic my life has been?

I haven’t been the same since I quit my last job. Meaning, I was glad I did what I have to do, but I felt like I’m back where I started. See: my entries for June of last year. I’m like that again. I can’t keep on letting my life be ruled by patterns, you know?

The good thing is, I’ve discovered some things about myself when not involved in writing: I can doodle, take photos, and talk to strangers, and feel happy with that. And that’s definitely a big thing. For me, at least.

There’s a certain point in your life where you turn unexpectedly on an unfamiliar road, and you don’t know exactly if you should forge ahead. And if you did go on, like I did, you will find out that sometimes getting lost, or not seeing the ‘right’ path for awhile can be advantageous in ways that will surprise you. Remember that one month when I have declared that I will stop writing altogether? The shit I was wading through because I’m fighting for what I want was getting daunting. Do you remember that?

Well I’m happy to report that I’m past that. There’s nothing I can do, writing is who I am. When I foolishly decided I’ll stop, I cried for days because I really didn’t know what to do if ever I stopped writing. I cried until I slapped myself silly for, well, being silly.

And then began the picking up of the pieces, putting myself back together. What to do when you encounter a roadblock, when you feel that Fate is absolutely giving you no chance to get around this one? You take your time, and you wait. But you don’t give up.

So I took my time. Doodled, when the words won’t come. Took photos, when I needed to say something, but wasn’t allowed to. And I shared them with strangers. When I tried to write poetry, and wasn’t successful, I wrote letters. Notes. Folded origami. Threaded bracelets. I’m just biding my time, waiting until I can say that I’m whole again.

You have no idea how depressed I got, or how much I needed to connect with friends who had an idea of what I was going through. And most of my friends don’t, actually.

So yeah, please be patient. I’m alive, I’ll come back.

11:45 PM

My sister asks me if I am still a virgin.

\(*-*)/

NEWS FLASH

I don’t know what to do with my life!

What’s in my bag

I was about to say “This is a Flickr thing”, and then I realised — I have reached the height of my Flickr obsession, because I have finally jumped on the bandwagon and participated in this sort-of visual meme. It’s simple: dump all the contents of your bag, and take a photo. Here’s mine:

(looks better with all the notes here)

The contents of my Bob Dylan bag for 28 March 2008:
- Superman pencil case, which includes 23 Stabilo Pen 68s, a silver Parker pen, 10 old Staedtler triplus fineliner pens, 3 Stabilo exam grade pencils, a Stabilo exam grade eraser, a pencil sharpener, 4 Dong-A metallic pens and 2 Sharpies)
- my funky green Buddha for luck
- current book I’m reading: Adverbs by Daniel Handler
- Frank Sinatra bookmark
- birthday postcard from Bangladesh, sent to me by Abby who’s currently on a business trip there
- my favorite black and white photo, taken while riding a cab one afternoon, also serves as a random bookmark
- house keys with a silver key chain with my name engraved on it and a Mr. Bean key chain, too
- Jimi Hendrix (my old Pentax ME) and some spare film
- long wallet, which contains ATM cards, discount cards from my favorite bookstores, movie tickets, discount coupons, bus tickets, receipts, post-its, photos, identification cards
- yellow pad paper because I like making lists; bigger picture here
- Gustav Klimt daily planner
- moleskine! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
- polaroids
- native banig coin purse and coins
- necessities like hairbrush, lip gloss, pocket mirror, oil control film, painkiller pill and hand sanitizer
- menthol candy, gum
- perfumes (dream from GAP and clinique happy)
- Samsung mobile phone
- some fun stuff like a rainbow slinkie and friendship bracelets that I make from time to time
- glue
- my favorite wooden bangle, glow-in-the-dark bracelets, and a Spongebob jelly bracelet
- old generation iPod; I call him Lolo Frank (after Frank Sinatra ^__^)
- menthol cigarettes, matches and two lighters (I keep a spare, I always seem to lose one)

Not included in the photo but also takes residence in my bag — Jacques Cousteau, or the camera I used to take this photo with (Canon S2 IS).

I know it looks like a lot, and it is A LOT; but years of practice enabled me to practically stuff my whole life in a bag, and well, this is it. And yeah, I name a lot of my things. Makes me treat them kinder. I have a relationship with my stuff, what. Nerd love. ♥

Things I Learned When I Was 21

1. Friends disappoint. It is inevitable. And when they do, I learned that I can get disillusioned pretty well.
2. I can’t hold a grudge against someone I love, but I do get disappointed. And I think it is better for me to get mad than be disappointed.
3. I can rely on my parents. But I will never be able to please them.
4. I dream of things to buy when I don’t have a lot of money, but when I do have money, I rarely buy anything.
5. Making lists help my tiny life.
6. As I grow older, I find that I long for things in my past. Nostalgia is very romantic.
7. ATMs are lifesavers.
8. You cannot drink alcohol and not let yourself be drunk. What’s the point?
9. Friends who love you will refrain from getting drunk just so they can take good care of you.
10. I rarely talk. If I can sustain a conversation with you that would last for at least two hours (without breaks), it means that we can be very good friends.
11. I believe I am a good woman. I also believe that I am a good friend.
12. I am attached to a lot of things (junk). That’s why if a fire starts in our house, I have taken the necessary precautions of identifying things to save, in specific order. In this list, the lives of my family is not included.
13. I can be by myself and it’s okay. Alone doesn’t mean lonely.
14. I can’t always get what I want. I know when to back out and not be stupid.
15. I hold people to their word.
16. If I was born a man, I would be gay. No doubt about it.
17. The only rock music I can really listen to for a long period of time is classic rock.
18. If I am brutally honest, it must be because I love you.
19. I learn a lot more from people by observing the tiniest little things.
20. More than half of my worries are useless. But I still worry anyway.
21. I can run away from something and never look back.

1. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Things that happened to me since my birthday:

1. I turned twenty-two but it wasn’t exactly a happy occasion. And to talk about it would mean I would have to think about it, and that’s too much energy spent on something useless, so let’s not.

2. I am officially jobless. I love not working but I hate not doing anything. Well I work for my father now, and this is the only advice I can give you, if you’re thinking about joining the family business: Don’t.

3. I’ve been spending more time on Flickr and enjoying it. I’ve taken on a 365 Project, meaning one photo a day, so far I’m doing good. If I don’t do this to challenge myself then I swear my brain would just fall off from its hinge.

4. My parents found out that I’ve been smoking. Actually my mother found out months before but she chose my birthday as the very special occasion to tell my father about it. Needless to say I have nothing to hide now, thank you. But can’t say I’m stoked about them finding out, on my birthday nonetheless.

5. To put my stupidity to the nth level, I kissed someone I shouldn’t have, and I know it. We both know it.

6. I am reading too many books at the same time, and writing none. There is something really wrong here. I thought I was more of a writer, not a reader, but now I don’t know where I’m supposed to stand anymore. Almost all the birthday greetings I got were wishes for me to write more, but what do I write? And who reads this shit?

7. I’ve been really, really, really frustrated. So if you think I have disappeared before, think again. I am thisclose to disappearing even to the few people who knew where I am now.

Rub the belly for good luck!

I’m twenty-two, little girl blue,
happy birthday, happy birthday
to me.

Movie Moments That Should Happen to Me in Real Life Before I Die

This list has been in my head for awhile now, and it’s nowhere near complete yet. I just have this urge to write them all tonight.

Have you ever watched a film that you connected with so strongly, you felt that it was specifically written for you, or with you in mind? Below are some scenes from movies I’ve watched that have an emotional impact on me. And since it’s free to dream, I wish that these would happen to me before I die, because that would be just perfect.

1. The Dial Tone Conversation
From the film, Adaptation., starring Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep and Chris Cooper. Written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Spike Jonze. In this scene, Meryl Streep is high on drugs and calls Chris Cooper on the phone. Together they recreate the dial tone and make one of the best scenes I’ve watched ever.

I’m sorry. I’m weird. I get that. But if you’re the perfect guy (and it has to be a guy) for me, if we happen to meet somehow in the future, you would totally understand. And I don’t even have to tell you, ‘Let’s do this certain scene in Adaptation.’, because you’ll know off the bat. You’ll send me drugs via mail like Chris Cooper did, and I’ll get high and giddy and I’ll call you up and we’ll do this scene and I’ll nod my head and say, ‘That’s fucking amazing.’

2. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
From the film, When Harry Met Sally, starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, directed by Rob Reiner. This scene needs no more introduction, so here you go:

I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll ever be as bold enough to fake an orgasm in a public place, but I’ve always wanted to say, “I’ll have what she’s having,” with such flair. Hah!

3. Tiny Dancer
From the film, Almost Famous, starring Billy Crudup and Kate Hudson. Written and directed by Cameron Crowe. In this scene, the tension is high and emotions are all over the place as the band tries to keep it together. An Elton John classic comes on the radio, and everybody just almost simultaneously sang through it, letting go, just being in the moment.

I’m in the love with this scene forever and ever. I’m fortunate enough that this has happened to me a few times now, in different places, different cars, with different people. And I want it to happen again. They say everybody’s always in search of that fleeting moment, the one that grabs you for a few minutes and is then lost to you forever. This is one of those. If you have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there’s this excerpt of Charlie riding with Sam and Patrick in the pickup truck while The Smith’s Asleep was playing on the radio. It was then at this moment that he said, “I feel infinite,” and oh, how I knew what he meant.

4. “Baby, you are gonna miss that plane.”
From the film, Before Sunset, starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Written and directed by Richard Linklater. Celine and Jesse are listening to Nina Simone’s Just in Time, an utterly lovely song, and just when the credits started to roll, the story is just beginning, and you know in your heart that Jesse will never leave Celine, never ever, and you just feel this warmth envelop your heart, and gosh, I’m babbling.

There was a time in my life when I wish I could have said that, you know, standing in front of the man I love. He was about to leave, but there’s nothing I can say, no. But there will be another love (I hope), another man, another one who’ll stay this time around. And I’ll wait.

5. Hello, It’s Me
From the film, The Virgin Suicides, starring Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett. Written by Jeffrey Eugenides and directed by Sofia Coppola. The boys call up the Lisbon sisters on the telephone, and they speak to each other through songs.

What can I say? I’m a romantic. Apart from wanting to create that perfect dial tone, I would like a conversation to last all night with not one of us speaking, and we’ll just listen to songs all night, until the music runs out.

6. “Piano lessons?”
From the film, Big, starring Tom Hanks. Directed by Penny Marshall. Here, Josh (Hanks) is trying out the keys on a giant keyboard and ends up making a duet with his boss, playing Heart and Soul and Chopsticks.

I don’t know if I’ll ever come across a giant keyboard, but I hope to be able to play this perfectly someday.

7. “FFFUUCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!”
From the film, Little Miss Sunshine. Paul Dano’s brilliant scene when his character learned that he won’t be able to go to pilot school because he’s color blind. This is after having been in a vow of silence for a very long time:

Well I’ve actually done that a lot of times haha.

8. “Wherever God takes me.”
From the film, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. This is Harold and Kumar at their destination, finally, FINALLY getting the burger!

I really, really can’t stop laughing at this one. First, I want to be able to whip out my shades and say Doogie Howser’s “Wherever God takes me,” deadpanned. I will do this very seriously, and make one big exit. That will be such a laugh. Second, yeah, of course I want to look for that one-and-only burger!

9. Kiss
From the film, Amelie. Starring Audrey Tatou and Matthieu Kassovitz, directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. Very unconventional yet sweet kissing scene

10. Singing in the rain
From the film, Singin’ In the Rain. Here’s Gene Kelly dancing and singing and making me wish I could do this too someday:

And there you have it. Do you have any scene in mind that you’d want to happen to you, too?

Mmmbop

My birthday is almost here!

Some of my friends at the office are asking me what plans I have for my birthday, and I’m always embarrassed when I answer I don’t know. With reluctance I admit that I never really had a fantastic birthday ever. There was one time when my highschool friends sneaked me out for a supposed weekend project for school, only to find out that they had planned a little celebration in my friend’s bedroom. We had some homemade chocolate cake, and a handwritten birthday sign on red japanese paper was taped to the wall. That was pretty much it, but it was probably the most sincere greeting I ever received!

When I was in college, a friend treated me out to watch a ballet performance, but she was with her boyfriend and I felt like I’m a third wheel the whole time, so. A highlight of that night though: all of the male ballet dancers dropped their pants in the finale, so there you go, a dozen penises, happy birthday to me. Birthdays with my ex-boyfriend don’t really count, too, because what else can we do but have sex dinner out somewhere romantic? I swear, it’s overrated. Harhar.

Maybe I’m this way because growing up, my birthday is not exactly an event to celebrate in my family. For one thing, my younger sister and I have got the same birthday, so I don’t exactly feel special. I can’t even go prancing around the house and say, “It’s my birthday, it’s my birthday!” because they’ll just tell me that I’m not the only one. Another thing, since my father has his own business, and my birthday falls on the fifteenth, it is, of course, pay day. So all his money is spent handing out salaries, that at the end of the day he doesn’t feel like spending any more, especially on me. Further evidence that it’s absurd where I live? I got my eighteenth birthday present when I was twenty years old. Yeah.

So when “the special day” comes around, I’m not really expecting anything. Although I have plans of trying to enjoy it. Maybe I’ll buy something for myself. Which is why there is no more need for an introduction of what’s to come next:

Some things from the history of the world that I wish I could bring back (well some of them are still here), because it’s an integral part of my life (or, My Birthday Wish List, if I may)

1. Mixtapes

(photo taken from here)

Back in high school I had a mixtape for all sort of moods and tiny events in my life. Off the top of my head, here are some of the themes I could remember:
- I Hate Physics But I Have to Study the Damn Thing
- You Say You Got a Boyfriend But I Bet He’s Just on Cyberspace, Bitch
- My Best Friend Had A Nervous Breakdown
- I Study in A Private Catholic School for Girls
- Today I Bought My First Porn
- This Mix is Perfect if I Also Had the Car to Go With It
- The Breakup (of course)
among many other things. I swear, it’s the quintessential companion. The only thing that was missing is a car, but in a third-world country, you know it’s impossible to even have an old, beat-down road machine at the age of sixteen. It’s just unheard of. So I settle for lying in my bed, with the lights off, alone in my room, popping cassettes one after the other.

2. Vinyl records (preferably jazz records)

(photo taken from here)

My turntable is actually broken and I can’t find a shop here who can replace the needle. It’s one of my goals this year to actually buy something like this, so I’m crossing my fingers.

3. Polaroid Type600 film

(photo taken from here)

In light of the recent devastating news that Polaroid is shutting down their production of integral film and have decided to go digital, I am now very determined to hoard as much film as I can.

4. Black and white film

(photo taken from here)

Yes! I’m spreading Ilford love.

5. Colored pens

(photo taken from here)

I need a new set. I’ve used and abused my current pens with abandon, and it won’t be long before they quit on me. I like Staedtler’s pens because they’re quite fun to write and doodle with. I actually find that I use a certain color depending on my mood. YAY!

6. Notebooks/Journals

They must be plain, unruled, with hard covers — okay, if I must be specific, Moleskines. This is how one of my journals look like. You can find more here.

7. Old shoeboxes chock-full of random things

(photo taken from here)

Okay, The Weird Girl award goes to me. My ‘memory’ shoebox at home looks way ghetto than this one. If I remember correctly, it’s from one of my old PE shoes with an obscure brand (Advan). It was so old that I have covered it in a glossy newspaper print. Inside you’ll find old letters, random buttons, a condom enclosed in a glass with the print, ‘Break in Case of Emergency’ — an old prank from a friend, specks of glitter, star confetti, old IDs, coasters stolen from random pubs and restaurants, friendship rings, and a lot more. I have a habit of collecting random stuff, what.

8. Stickers

(photo taken from here)

I used to have a sticker collection. I don’t know why I threw them away. I want them back.

9. Postcards

(photo taken from here)

I DON’T WANT postcards of national heroes, which is what you will find in a bookstore here in Manila. Not exactly what you are looking for if you want to write to a friend. Hello, how are you doing, this is Jose Rizal to inspire you in your day-to-day life. Not.

10. Other weird stuff like library cards, bits and pieces of paper, bus tickets, ripped concert tickets

(photo taken from here)

Yeah I kinda miss those. It’s basically trash to you though. I know.

11. Stationery

(photo taken from here)

Stuff to stick in my journal! Have you seen my journal? It’s like Chinatown on acid.

12. Wax seal

(photos taken from here)

I’m in a letter-writing mode and if you want I’ll mail you one! Wouldn’t it be fabulous if it has my stamp on it? You’re free to keep it as a souvenir when I become famous (HAHA!) someday.

13. Lighter

(photos taken from here)

I soooooo want a metal lighter. This is the only instance that I have allowed myself to want something that would make me look hip. Because something like this? Is hip. And I’ve never been hip, and I never want to be, except when I’m killing my lungs. Might as well do it in style, yes?

14. Vintage + Crafts + What-have-you
Anything and everything vintage, campy or kitschy, whatever. I like it. I suspect somewhere I have a secret personality disorder, and at times I maybe somehow manipulated by Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, Linda Rondstandt and Diana Ross. So my friends, forgive me. HORNNNNN!

I like stuff like these:

Vintage wallpapers

(taken from here)

Decorated tableware

(taken from here)

Pop art (not too much though, something that still reflects my personality)

(taken from here)

Pins and buttons

(taken from here)

15. Books

16. Dinner out somewhere nice with friends where we can camwhore and talk all night

17. A dress!

18. Baubles, bangles and beads, err dangling earrings!

19. A road trip

20. A Flickr Pro account

21.

22.

Two more to be filled out when I think of something else! If I am to buy these for myself, I need money. And right now I can’t really do that since I have resigned from my job (OH YES DIDN’T I TELL YOU? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Open Heart Zoo

There are so many things that’s been happening lately in my life that feels so wrong, and so right. This is the probably one of the pages in my book that I’ll have bookmarked, and in time, I’ll return to remind myself that yes, this is when I had the temerity to say, “I was so confused” and at the same time, “I was so sure.”

Here I am, two weeks shy of being twenty-two, and this is my life. And I am still making grandeur statements like, “This is my life”, as if I was listening to an overture (which I am, by the way, what a laugh).

At twenty I felt like everything was just beginning, but at twenty-one suddenly a lot of things have ended - things that I was certain were in my control and things that sadly were way beyond my control. The beginnings I have anticipated a year before grew into little fears that everything was too late.

“Very early in my life it was too late.”
– Marguerite Duras

Which is why lately I’ve passed time seesawing between wanting to be born years before 1986 and wanting not to be born at all. Every little thing that I feel a connection with are slowly drifting away, and fading. It’s like everybody’s been having a good time while I was still upstairs sleeping. I feel like I’m always late for everything - late for vinyl records, for polaroid cameras, for Frank Sinatra and rock and roll, for ideals, for following your dreams, for throwing caution to the wind, for living life slowly, measuring your days in coffee spoons and all that cliche (apologies to T.S. Eliot).

Nobody does that today anymore. At least, in the world I live in. Nobody lives that kind of life anymore. Everything is just so damn fast. And I know it’s too much to ask, really. When I think of packing my bags and walking off to somewhere, it’s all a dream. It’s so much of a dream that it only comes to me in bits and pieces now, like remnants from an old memory, an old life. Am I still making sense?

Gah. It’s all a bit rubbish, isn’t it? I want that kind of life so bad that it hurts. What can I do with a life that’s confined to my silly little room, with all my thoughts sitting pretty on my bed, running down the walls, tucked underneath my pillow? Let me say it again: I want that kind of life so bad that it hurts, and it’s a kind of life in all its fucking unglorious state: I want to get hurt I want to cry I want a punch in the gut I want to run down the road chasing foolishly after a car that will not stop for me I want to be sleepless day in and day out I want something that will turn me inside out I want to have things to regret I want to be missed and cursed at and be shamed and be loved –

And I don’t know how much that is for a girl of twenty-one going on twenty-two, whose world tries poorly to revolve on petty things like work and money and technology.

Pfft. I don’t know how else to put it into words!

Have you ever just stopped, just for a moment and thought, this is it. This is it: everything happens to me. Have you ever thought that? I haven’t. I did though, have one similar experience. There was this wide-open sky, I opened my arms and said, please let the world happen to me.

If this is the life I’m supposed to live, if this life is it, right here, right now - please, somebody, open my eyes. Because I can’t see it. I can’t see what’s so special with my now, and I want so badly to get up, go out, leave this now and move backward in time to a now that’s in my head. There’s a most beautiful now in my head, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Nothing

the time when we had everything

~

1.
Chopin on Nocturne in C sharp minor, Op. 27/1, Larghetto. In four minutes and four seconds I sat quite still while my heart is breaking.

2.
Sharp pangs were never unfamiliar, but I never thought I’d go this way again: it’s been almost three years now, and I should be over it. Over you. But I never forget, so: happy birthday.

3.
I opened my diary on my lap and I was determined to write the greatest love story of my life: There was a girl who only had two great loves - the first was with someone who stopped loving her, the last was with someone who never stopped.

But I’m afraid the happy ending hasn’t happened yet.

4.
Weber’s Invitation to the Dance, Op. 65. In nine minutes and fifty seconds I stood in the middle of my room and imagined one night when I rested my head upon your shoulder as we swayed to the silence.

5.
I don’t know which is more excruciating: enduring the fourteenth, when everybody celebrates love, or the sixteenth, when you celebrate the day you were born.

I think it is the fifteenth, wedged in between two tragic days: I dance in between not crying and wanting to cry.

6.
I opened a book of poetry and I was determined to read about how other poor souls dealt with such loss. All I could bring myself to read was: “Let no love poem ever come to this threshold.”

7.
Albinoni’s Adagio in G minor. In eight minutes and fifty-five seconds I willed myself to fall asleep. No good will come to thinking about you now. You are somewhere far away, and I have refrained from sending you a postcard wishing you the best of luck. And that is that. The illusion of a warm hello will not conquer the distance, nor the pain.

8.
I closed my eyes and suddenly you were whispering in my ear, “All the clocks in the city”, but you never seem to finish. We were lying in bed with your arms around me but you never did finish what you were going to say. And then all the clocks ran out of time, and then we were over, and your words were lost.

9.
The one who stayed to finish it, was Auden sitting on my bookshelf –

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
‘O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

And then my heart skips, skips to how it all ends –

‘O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.’

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

And how, how do you curb the urge to disappear again?

You try your damnedest to ground your heels, you reason to yourself every day, every night, why that would not be a good idea. Shave the restlessness off, and write. And if writing needs a Muse who has suspiciously been absent for quite some time, you pick up a book and read.And if your mind drifts off, you pick a pen and doodle, try to chronicle your days in a diary. You smoke more, talk less, listen to music and think of something to do.

This week it has been mostly random, I’m at that stage again. It’s a fucking chink in the armor, to be this unsettled, knowing what I don’t want but not really sure what I want. Does that make sense to you?

Anyway, apart from a cab breaking down on my way to work there’s really nothing to say. I go to work, I sit at ‘my’ desk, try to be productive for the first four hours of my shift, and then out of annoyance I conjure up my what-the-hell attitude and watch Survivor: Africa. Yes I’m that far behind, I wasn’t really much of a fan before, can’t say that I am now, but I am beginning to like the game if only because I get to sit back and think about the people’s next moves, based on observation and logic. In my dreary day-to-day existence, prying other people’s minds consume my hours; I see this as a definite highlight (if not a very sad fact of life) since I am tired of picking my own brain for answers I don’t and won’t ever have.

I have also turned to retail therapy, meaning I have bought some books and CDs again because looking at things and deciding what to buy is such a menial yet soothing thing to do. However I’m trying to stay away from it, I really don’t have much money, as you already know.

And if I’m not thinking about the people stuck in Africa mindfucking one another, I gossip about my officemates because that’s what slackers and no-good employees do when they do not have enough work to keep them occupied. It’s an amazing practice, really, I never knew I could be so mean and so elitist. I can’t say I enjoy it that well to make it a full-time job, but it passes the time, and bridges my Tuesdays to Wednesdays to Thursdays and so on, and ah, well, I’m that removed to feel a sense of what’s right and wrong these days.

Maybe the most brilliant idea I have for this week is, how about a trip out of the city? In my foolishness I am actually entertaining the idea of backpacking out of the city to who knows where. I’m thinking, a backpack, my cameras, a few shirts, money, and then my poor sense of directions. I wonder how this will turn out.

On my way home, I was half-asleep at the back of the cab. Suddenly it occurred to me how easy it was for me to get mobbed this way, and horribly imagined jolting out of sleep to find myself facing the barrel of a gun. I thought so much about it, by the time I got home my head was full of images of me lying on the ground, shot and trying to gasp my last few breaths. Hmm.

Ah, but what would it take to be perfectly happy and content and not feel that I should run run run run run.

—————-
Listening to: Frank Sinatra - Day By Day
via FoxyTunes

Well hasn’t it been a very weird start of the year!

Signs That Things Are Weird This January:

1. Pop culture deaths that balance each other out. Or should I say, became the yin and yang of things. Brad Renfro, 90s teen idol extraordinaire, died due to drug abuse. People were like, ‘WHOZZAT?’ and went on with their lives. Heath Ledger, heartthrob-turned-serious-actor, died to accidental overdose of prescripted drugs. People were like, ‘WHATTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!@)*%#$*WRTG@)FU_#*$%@’ and consequently, can’t go on with their lives for about a day or two. Both shocked me, actually.

It just sucks because you consider these people, in their twenties, somewhat your contemporaries in life. You gotta admit, sometimes you take a look at their own achievements and measure your own successes against theirs. What have they done in their lives? What have I done in mine? When somebody’s off taking an Oscar at twenty years old, I get to sit back and think about what I have taken when I was twenty, aside from sad pieces of advice I shouldn’t even have bothered listening to. More importantly, when somebody in their twenties dies, and you look at what they have accomplished so far, it gives you perspective as to how far you think you can go at this world you’re living in, how much left there is to do, before you up and go, and say goodbye.

2. Where as, the rest of the Britney Spears land continued to wreak havoc everywhere. I read somewhere that an obituary has already been prepared for her, just in case something happens. Am I the only one who thinks that DUI is so 2007? That the past year was synonymous with unwanted pregnancies and flashing your vagina? 2007 should be called Vagina Year.

3. Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer are both out of the Australian Open, leaving Number 3 Novak Djokovic and unseeded Number 38 Jo-Wilfred Tsonga to battle it out. Djokovic won, but Tsonga moved up to Number 28, which is kinda sweet still, if you’re Tsonga. BUT! HOW CAN THIS BE! Everybody’s been rooting for the Muhammad Ali-lookalike, but am I the only one who stifles a giggle whenever I hear his name? In Filipino, ‘tsonga’ nearly resembles the word ‘tsonggo’ which means monkey. Or maybe I am just immature. Hah. Sue me. STILLLLLLLLLL the two greatest tennis players in the world today both lost? How can anyone explain this tragedy, I don’t know.

4. Poetry poetry poetry down the drain, I have become an oddball of musings and pain.

5. My jazz blog is actually doing great, thank you.

6. Tentatively tried to communicate with people I left when I needed to disappear for awhile. Some of them missed me, some of them don’t. There’s a lesson learned there somewhere.

7. I have finished reading eight books! On a single month! And here I thought I’m so busy there’s no time for everything else. Hmm.

8. The Oscar noms are out and I haven’t even watched a single one of them! WHY! Because everything is late here, as usual. The ordinary stream of new movies was halted at the end of the year to make way for the Manila Film Festival, which was such a fucking waste of time. So now we’re still catching up with some of the films like I Am Legend (whose soundtrack was not lost on me. Talk about organic unity - Bob Marley & the Wailers’ Legend, hello?), National Treasure Book of Secrets (did I get that title right? Anyway it was a good ride. Nicolas Cage can only do films like this from now on, I don’t think he ages gracefully. Hmm.) and Sweeney Todd (god that’s good!). This tells me that I should make a trip down to the pirates’ land soon.

9. My bed is broken. I am sleeping on a broken bed. Is it a metaphor for any kind of bad luck? Someone tell me.

10. I’ve been having experiences where I can’t tell the correct time, and where I seem to be losing days! What the fuck is happening, yeah? Yesterday I slept like the dead and woke up with a monstrous headache and wondering why that is, when it’s only noon. I looked at the clock, and it said noon. When I went out of my room, I was fucking surprised to learn that it was four in the afternoon! I went back to check the clock and it said, 4PM. What the hell? And this morning, I suddenly jumped up and rushed to the bath, because I looked at the clock and it said 4PM, and fuck, I’ve been sleeping for almost twelve hours now, and when I got out people were only starting to eat lunch BECAUSE IT WAS JUST NOON. WHY WHY WHY. I swear I’m not drunk, officer.

Please tell me why why why why whyyyyyy

Why do some people I know get to travel to different places, different countries in the world and then take crappy photos? WHY? WHYYYYYYY? Why am I stuck here rotting in this city, in this country, with no chance of going anywhere in the foreseeable future, holding a good camera in my hands, taking snapshots of ugly architecture and falling victim to bad lighting and being in danger of becoming a cliche over and over and over and over while some (undeserving) people go somewhere, and make use of such opportunities to JUST camwhore? WHY? WHYYYYYYY?

DO I LOOK LIKE I’M EVEN INTERESTED TO SEE YOU POSE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR oh look I’ll pose in front of the mirror but see this is not just a mirror this is a mirror in a foreign country I am in a foreign country so here I am posing in front of the mirror instead of GOING OUTSIDE TO TAKE SOME GODDAMN GOOD PHOTOS!!! It’s just like WHEN SOME PEOPLE discuss their trip (even when no one was asking) and then they start telling stories about the CUISINE and the CULTURE and then when I ask them where they have eaten it’s always oh just the usual fastfood and FOR FUCK’S SAKE DO YOU REALLY GO TO KOREA TO EAT AT MCDONALD’S? WHY? WHYYYYYYY?

This is even worse than when I thought about why some people get to travel to other continents, bringing with them their incompetent English speaking skills and bad grammar, while I am sitting here letting my ass grow bigger by the day, trying to put up with a boring dayjob while some people get sent to some place where they need to speak up and all they can say is I CAN HAZ oh fuckit–

Also remember the time when some people get sent to some countries I dream of going and then they write to tell me all about it all the places they’ve been and I almost tear my hair out because they tell me oh I went to the Louvre and I ask and then and they say and then what and I say back and then what did you do you moron did you see the Mona Lisa did you look at the Louvre Pyramid did you get a look at Venus de Milo or even just a peek at the Egyptian artifacts and then they answer casually OH I DON’T KNOW IT WAS JUST A MUSEUM–

WHY? WHYYYYYYY?

WHY post a photo of yourself somewhere in a foreign country, with the frame out of focus, with MORE THAN HALF OF YOUR FACE covering REALLY BEAUTIFUL ARCHITECTURE or REALLY BEAUTIFUL SCENERY? WHYYYYYYYY? Nobody wants to see that assfaceshit. WHY write an entry about your wonderful trip, oh yes all of your wonderful trips and torture me with your ill-conceived sentences? BEST OF ALL WHY WRITE all these horrible horrible stuff and then send them to all the people you know including me? A monster with the size and looks of Arnold Schwarzenegger oh wait it IS Arnold Schwarzenegger and he’s worming right now in my brain and he’s taking over my usually logical rational and charming person oh wait he just shat on my left frontal lobe SO NOW I believe I am spewing out something shitty like this entryyy

The bottomline is, WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYY.

Oh god fuck please help me but I just want to do this just once okay are you kidding a lot of times of course *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* *STAB*

(Don’t mind me I am just a poor old drunken fool again, let’s have a laugh at it yes HA HA HA)

Things That Surprised Me This Afternoon Because I’m a Doofus

Web. It’s all web. How to say this — that has been the first two weeks of my year. Full of cobwebby things to think about, to think through, so I’m still the perpetual girl who’s losing her mind ha-ha-ha.

I refrained from writing here because there’s nothing to say really, but it’s a free afternoon, I’m not in the office because of the flu, and it was just so nice to lounge in bed and watch tv and browse the net while I’m at it. So, while there is nothing to tell of my life, there is something to discover about pop culture. Sadly these are things I know only now, which is kinda weird and sad. I’m that out of touch.

Things That Surprised Me This Afternoon Because I’m a Doofus
1. Brad Renfro is dead!!! Remember him? He’s like our teenage sex god from the 90s. He and JTT starred in that movie, Tom and Huck. And— what? Why? He was so young. This hit me in the gut like the time when I learned Jonathan Brandis was dead. WHYYYYYYYY. The eleven year-old girl in me can’t process this.
2. River Phoenix was a close friend of Keanu Reeves (this I learned after I looked up Keanu while watching Speed just now). Joaquin Phoenix is River’s younger brother. And I never made the connection. Joaquin’s name is really Leaf. And I just watched Joaquin get creamed in Gladiator last night.
3. Keanu had a wife and daughter who died. He refuses to talk about it.
4. Rufus Wainwright, whose music I love, is gay. Wow. Works for me.
5. Johnny Depp used to partly own the club where River Phoenix died.
6. An installment of Project Runway is set to run here in Manila. But who could ever be the Filipina version of Heidi Klum? Ack. Please kill me. PLEAZZZE. They already murdered Philippines’ Next Top Model.
7. Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. I wrote about that in my entry years ago, I was in fucking mourning. Why am I suddenly so mournful of all these people? Crap.
8. And remember Devon Sawa? They say he’s on meth now.
9. Some of the characters in 28 Days Later appeared on more popular films that I actually watched, and I had no idea.
10. Does a trapper keeper still exist these days?

You know how this is proof that I should really start a 90s-themed blog?

Misty

To end the year I always answer some memes because I’m lazy. And yeah because it’s fun to do. I get to sit down and be faced with these questions that makes me take a good look at my life for the past year. It has become a tradition, apart from getting all sappy and shit (which happens all the time now, yes?)

Another thing I do on the eve is to check my horoscope that I’ve stashed somewhere around my room. Usually I have already researched for that at the eve of the current year, and then hid it so I won’t be psychologically fucked up by the ‘predictions’, no matter how silly they sound. And then when this day comes to, I dig it up again to see how much of everything was bullshit and how much of it actually happened to me. Surprisingly I always get good stuff, meaning they were terribly true, no matter how much I want to deny it to myself. Then again, this is just me talking about some mystic shit.

Anyway, to cap off the year, without further ado, the memes, ladies and gentlemen:

PART I: LOOKING BACK
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I almost said ‘Graduate’, but since I’ve been in school there’s nothing else to do but graduate, so let me say: Graduate from college. Graduate from illusion, and accept that things are happening and most of them I’ve got no control of.

Also: dance. In public. I have spontaneously (read: drunkenly) decided that I don’t really give a shit if people saw a fat girl dancing so that’s what I did. And I will always thank Ara and Jilly for making me do it, two lovely girls that I love to bits. I would like to say that there’s a sense of freedom in being able to let go, and all that crap, but I was really just drunk, and I had no idea what I was doing, and when I learned about it the morning after, I sat in the middle of feeling horrified and feeling so ecstatic I just want to laugh my ass off. And it was all good despite the terrible hangover.

Hmm. More?
- I also almost said ‘Get a job’, but since I’ve been around taking random offers and gimmicks, let me say: Get a job that pays.
- Went home alone from the South while a national crisis is going on. Okay, not completely alone. I was with someone I hardly know, and I ended up talking to the guy in the two hours we spent on the road. Pretty fucking uncanny. I mean, you know how I am with strangers: I’m like an old, brittle, closed-up vagina.
- Ride in cars of people I also hardly know and had some unbelievably crazy nights out
- Smoked them goddamn gudang cigarettes, which I’m not inclined to do again in the near future
- Go on a shopping spree
- Traveled out of Manila thrice in the last six months
- Lost my mobile phone. It meant something to me, that little fucker. Also I’ve never lost a thing in my life before.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I always tell myself to have less issues, but it’s a moot point, I kind of realise it now. Haha. And of course I always say ‘Good times, good shit and good body’, but so far I only have the good times and the good shit, you know? I’m still fat ahohoho what’s new.

Anyhow, these are not specifically resolutions, because these are not problems per se that need to get resolved. Let’s just call them plans, shall we? And they are, in random:

- Write more poetry and get published
- Look for a better job
- Save up so I can travel
- Travel!
- Renovate my room if I can determine for myself that it’s not a pragmatic choice to move out right now (create a bookshelf that is ceiling-to-floor; paint my walls red, buy a lava lamp, a side table, and hang my photographs)
- Buy a phonograph (I’d like to say for my father but I know I will want to use it too, ha-ha)
- Eternally treat my family and friends out to better lunches and dinners
- Take more photos
- Get Travis (my laptop) fixed so I can finally upload photos
- Get a pro account in Flickr
- Watch the new X-Files movie (hahahaha are my priorities starting to look stupid right now?)
- Read more books, watch more films, discover new music
- Learn how to drive
- Actually make a proper list of things I should focus on so I won’t be so scatterbrained
- Let go

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. Somebody at the office had a baby, I guess. Apart from that, and my infamous disappearing act from family and friends, all I can really say is, I have no fucking idea.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
We weren’t that close in her later life, but I remember her fondly. And god knows how many people in our lives we can say that about, how many of them we were so much as fond of, that tiny kindling sense of joy and melancholy put together. My great grandmother died.

5. What countries/places did you visit?
My horoscope said that it was a good year for travel, but I wasn’t able to go to anywhere else outside the country. However, I spent an unbelievably good time in a planned road trip with my friends when we went to Tagaytay. I also went to Cavite due to a company teambuilding/teambonding, but that was pretty shitty, except for the beach and the stars. I hope to be able to go more places next year. I really, really, really want to.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Stability, in terms of my job. More time to write poetry. More spontaneity. More opportunities for traveling!

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
12 October 2007 is probably one of the most peaceful days I’ve ever had with my family. It was my father’s birthday, and my sisters and I have planned a big getaway for the day. We left the city and went to Tagaytay, ate at Sonya’s Garden, and I don’t know - it was just a perfect day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating is an understatement, so I’ll say getting a job and earning my own chops. The food I ate never tasted so good until I was actually buying it from my own money. Also: getting my family and friends some awesome gifts. I’ve always wanted to do that but I never had the money, and now I do, so that was fun. I think that’s the keyword of my year: money. Hahaha.

(Also, this is insignificant to most people, but I did work hard for those things.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to move out of the house. Getting published as often as I would have liked to. Not being able to write new material! Those were the three major things I have envisioned myself to at least be making a progress on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My left shoulder got dislocated due to a car accident.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Rare copies of Frank Sinatra albums + a Chet Baker CD. Also: an external hard disk, a dress and a polaroid camera!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My father. There are so many things I’m thankful for because I felt loved by him this year. Through some little insignificant details. Yes, there were some tough calls this year for me, so many things that I had to battle out with him, but how can you not love the man when you receive an e-mail while at work telling you in so few words that he loves you (after a major big fight). And that one afternoon while we sat in the car waiting for my mother outside the bank - we were singing along at the top our lungs to Free Movement, and we were popping bubble wrap for chrissakes. How can you not love him?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The highlight of my year may be my immediate ’supervisor’. Pretty much the fucking reason for a horrible November.

14. Where did most of your money go?
- Point of No Return by Frank Sinatra
- Frank Sinatra sings for Only the Lonely
- In the Wee Small Hours by Frank Sinatra
- The Best of Chet Baker Sings
- Polaroid One600 Ultra
- Books and more books!
- Eating out with friends
- And unfortunately, cab fare going to and from work

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Traveling to Tagaytay with my friends. And getting my polaroid camera!

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
Pretty much old songs to you all, but these are my top ten.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. Happier or sadder? Happier and sadder for a lot of things.
b. Thinner or fatter? Fatter! But you already knew that.
c. Richer or poorer? Richer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Met up with more people?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Get myself into the same uncompromising situations over and over.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I slept.

23. How many one-night stands have you had?
This guy and I tried to pick each other up, once, while I was smoking alone outside, at the patio up in 7th floor. But he was too weird and I was too spaced out for it to work. Plus my friends arrived to have dinner with me, so that ended the whole thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program for this year?
I watched a lot of Top Chef, but the major new discovery was Heroes and Queer as Folk.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
But of course! See #13.

26. What was the best book you read this year?
Hands down, these three: Silk by Alessandro Barricco, History of Love by Nicole Krauss and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery for 2007?
Amy Winehouse.

28. What did you want and get?
I received a graduation gift from my uncle. I’ve always wanted a digital camera but was really pleasantly happy to receive this. I now have four cameras in my possession:
- Jacques Cousteau, Canon Powershot S2IS extraordinare
- Jimi Hendrix a.k.a. Orphan Boy, my aunt’s old Pentax ME SLR
- Pollyanna, you guess it, the smashtastic Polaroid
- Dirty Harry, magnanimous Canon 35mm film camera

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Not necessarily shown this year, but I’ve just watched them this year, so:
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Pan’s Labyrinth
- Stranger Than Fiction
- 300

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was nothing special. I would’ve remembered.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
This year I was more of ‘dress how you feel’. So when I feel like shit, I look like shit. When I’m happy, I buy a dress. And oh, I wore Chucks for the first time, and I realised that they weren’t so bad.

33. What kept you sane?
Music. And doodling, somewhat a very funny surprise.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Karl Lagerfeld and the House of Chanel. And by fancy, I meant fancied having a nice little chat with, having tea somewhere fabulous, re-learning ways of how to subtly terrify an employee just by raising your pinkie finger. But if we have to go that route, I wet my knickers for Cillian Murphy.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
ZTE, the bombings in Manila

36. Who did you miss?
He who must not be named.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Ara!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Shit happens. And never take the train in the morning when going to work if you don’t have the guts for it.

39. One rule in your book that you promise to break next year?
Enough prudence! Take a chance!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“And you already know,
Yeah, you already know, how this will end.”
- DeVotchKa, How It Ends

PART II: LOOKING FORWARD
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes, as soon as I’m able!

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I don’t know. I’m kind of done with that two years ago, but who knows?

3. New house?
All depends if I get a better job.

4. What will you do different in 2008?
Experience more new things. A lot has happened to me the past year, but they were always versions of things in my past, like the same old happening over and over, only with shades of some variations. Not that they weren’t enjoyable, but it’s quite puzzling to me how I seem to be living a cycle, or how so many of my days are recurring patterns. Brrr.

5. What will you NOT be doing in 2008?
Cry in public. Unless it’s really, really necessary. (How can crying in public be necessary?)

6. Any trips planned?
Hopefully, the out-of-town trip with my friends will be an annual thing. I hope for one such plan for that spring up. I am also planning to go somewhere in Asia.

7. Wedding plans?
Hah! Try two years ago.

8. Major thing on your calendar?
Some plans are brewing for the month of January, it’s a work thing. I plan to have a really really really fun birthday though, because I can’t remember the last time I was glad to celebrate that I’m here.

9. What can’t you wait for?
Not much right now. I have fulfilled almost all of my wants this Christmas season, so now I’m pretty laid back.

10. What would you like to see happen differently?
My relationship with other people. I hope I can afford to be not such a fuck-up with people around me.

11. What about yourself will you be changing?
My pessimism is getting a bit boring.

12. What happened in 2007 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
Making big plans and for it to actually happen. I never got past the planning stage sometimes, because some curious outside force always decides such things were not for me. But this time, most of my plans actually pushed through. Wow.

13. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. Here’s to hoping I curb the urge to disappear again.

14. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 2007?
I will always be the earrings-and-bangles girl, and I don’t know if I’ll outgrow my love for bohemian skirts.

15. Will you start or quit drinking?
NEVER! If anything I will continue on. In fact I even bought myself a cocktail shaker before the year ended, so that should say something.

16. Will you better your relationship with your family?
In the best of intentions, I will try.

17. Will you do charity work?
I never fail.

18. Will you go to bars?
That I will still see.

19. Do you expect 2008 to be a good year for you?
I really, really hope so.

20. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I don’t know how to gauge it, really. Emotionally, I think a lot. I had to deal with a lot of grown-up things although I had no intention of growing up ever, you see. The most change that is evident may be my financial independence, and coming from a family that is like mine, it is quite a big thing.

21. Do you plan on having a child?
Goodness, I hope not.

22. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Yes. I am usually Miss Once-You’re-My-Friend-I’m-Loyal-to-You-For-Life, but we’ll see how Fate will play her cards on this one.

23. Major lifestyle changes?
If I can at least have my own privacy at home, or find a job that won’t require me to shed so much money than I care to spend, then I think it would be a big change for me.

24. Will you be moving?
Not in the first six months. On the latter part of the year I expect that I have come up with some rigid plans regarding this.

25. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 2008 that happened in 2007?
Disintegrating friendships. I’ve had enough to that, yes?

And so it’s almost the new year coming round. It’s three minutes before 2008, the fireworks are lighting up the sky, I’m still writing a cliche, but so what. It’s been a good year for me, you know. I hope you had a good one, too. In a few minutes I’ll be having a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine on the other, listening to some melancholy music while thinking about how far I’ve come.

C’mon. It’s all been good. We’ve arrived here, yes? It’s going to be a good year, now. Come along, now. We’re going out to celebrate.

I’m Only Sleeping

the sofa that has so many stories to tell, taken at a friend’s house in Baguio

~

Scratch the title. This should have been, Why I Like to Use The Beatles’ Songs as My Post Titles, Just Because I Can’t Be Bothered to Create Something of My Own.

I’m back at the office, it’s six thirty in the fucking morning, hello world. For some strange reason, I am talking in a New York accent in my head while I’m typing this. This, that, the other thing. I just had my first cigarette after four fucking days, and it’s just incredible. I’ve been through some shit, as always, and taking that wonderful delicious drag after four fucking days is better than any sex I’ve ever had, not that I haven’t orgasmed to some kinky shit, too. Can’t say though that it’s The Best Cigarette ever, because I’ve yet to try smoking while taking a crap, and I really, really believe it will feel as good as I think it would be.

What I Did During Christmas

1. I slept.
2. I received the crappiest gifts ever known to mankind.
3. I watched an army of ants and their Queen march to a tiny crack on the wall while taking a crap.
4. I received more crappy gifts.
5. I listened to my dysfunctional family be a dysfunctional family.
6. I wished for a cigarette.
7. I got cramps on my right leg.

Thank fuck for The Muse Who Spins Our Dreams, yes?

Things I Think Should Be Declared as a Crime, Punishable by Death or At Least A Full Course in College

1. Giving gifts to people - I mean, stop with all the recycling already. I’d rather have no gift at all than opening some crappy box with some nasty piece of shit in there. You could’ve at least given me real shit, I could’ve used that as fertilizer. Right?
2. Unmatched bags and shoes - because I’m prissy like that
3. Flies on the 38th floor, or any floor in the building for that matter, that is not anywhere near to the dumpster, which gives no reason for FLIES BUZZING AROUND THE FUCKING OFFICE
4. Ordering food from the menu which has a perfectly good list of edible food - I mean, there’s adventurous and there’s a stupid adventurous fuck, yes?
5. Giving crappy books or crappy clothes or anything crappy for that matter - To allude to #1, I just want to reiterate that if the store you’re buying from gives out gift certificates? Honey, trust me, they exist for the right reasons.
6. Ruining the English language by speaking it
7. Being able to fit a Size Zero

Please. It’s a good Thursday morning (so far), and I’m crossing my fingers.

I am immune to emotion.

a view from the 38th floor, obviously I’m not working

~

I am immune to emotion. Or at least, that’s the first sentence of the book I’m reading at the moment. It’s something I’m thinking about this morning, too. I haven’t been writing lately, because there’s simply nothing to write about. Not the company outing I went to, which, if not for the stars and the 2 AM breeze, I would have completely regretted. Not the disastrous coup attempt on the day that I had to make the commute to hell, not the day I got held up when I went to the south again, not the things I accidentally see and hear (THAT I DON’T WANT TO KNOW) from people I know, not the disappointment I feel with each passing day.

It’s December, and I’m trying to channel denial.

To comfort myself, I’ve recently started spending my money because I’m irritated at life in general and I feel that I’ve held on to my savings long enough. So here we go, money, here we go. Everyday I carry my Christmas wishlist in my pocket and I’m going through them slowly, one by one, until I arrive to the day when I’ve finally bought them all.

Things From My Christmas List Which I Already Bought For Myself

1. A 120GB external hard disk which immediately dented my wallet, but who fucking cares?
2. A discount card from one of my favorite bookstores
3. An original DVD copy of The Fountain, of which I read the graphic novel first. Actually quite excited about this one, because the film is directed by Darren Aronofsky, whom we previously kn