Wednesday Shorts

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1.
Strong rains have commenced. Have to get out of bed but is held down by dreams of gay porn. Contemplated the dearth of straight men and decided I want a cigarette. Sat up and realized what time it is. Nine in the morning with some nasty downpour outside. Fuck me.

2.
Hopped to the bathroom but not before tripping on bra. Must clean room. This weekend. Untwisted the bra wrapped around my ankle and threw it in the hamper. Looked at my wall. Saw this remnant from my college org – a piece of paper saying,

I saw that.
- God

Cheeky. Stuck my tongue out.

3.
Took a bath and sang some Beatles. Please don’t wake me no don’t shake me leave me where I am. I’m only sleeping. Yeah. Yeah. Brushed my teeth with fucking strawberry toothpaste. Shit. Suddenly wanted a cigarette but summoned inner strength. Got dressed. Tried not to be pissed because of situation.

4.
Out of the house, out of the house. It rains. It floods. I slosh over here, I slosh over there, fucking flood everywhere, and my pants are wet and my socks are wet and my shoes are wet and fuck.

5.
Fuck work. I want to resign. Contemplated resignation letter in my head while waiting for the train. Thought about the lonely Christmas ahead with no money and tried not to vomit thinking about it. Halfway between Makati and work my hyperacidity told me to shove my complaints up my ass. Okay.

6.
Came to work all worked up. Have to go zen. Settled on a ditzy session with Vittorio. Watched Mister España 2007 to steady blood flow. And then ice skating competition in the 1984 Olympics. Contemplated getting a couch and placing it in front of our workstation instead of two uncomfortable chairs. Eyed some good-looking men, one particularly, walking around. Licked lips. Suddenly wanted a cigarette. But then changed my mind as I thought am just associating want for fag for want to eat something. Fag for cigarette, not fag for gay men, but that’s good, too.

7.
Had lunch with Jilly while watching slasher film. Thought Jared Leto looked beautiful before he bleached his hair. Watched credits roll for no reason. Was asked why I do it but cannot come up with an answer. Returned to desk to find out was declared AWOL by someone. Apparently shouldn’t have lunch because my lunch hour is about four hours and death by starvation away. Apparently. Thought about resigning again but remembered how forlorn my face would look come December.

8.
Traded messages with Jilly and maybe have learned something new about me today: My dear A, I still believe your wife looks like a horse. And I plan to eat oatmeal forever. And I don’t make much sense, even if I’m really trying hard to.

9.
Got notice from boss. Reading e-mail felt like I’ve been bitchslapped a little. Tried not to get angry, but was not successful. Really wanted a smoke, wondered why I didn’t smoke the whole day when could have done so, wondered why not smoking now. Can’t find self to stand up. Just wanted to bang my head on the desk until I knock my brains out. Replied in a very respectful manner to boss, very respectful manner worthy of do-not-bitchslap status but feel will get bitchslapped later again tonight. Considered resigning again, this time not finding any reason not to.

10.
Resignation document started. Wondered if self was being prissy. Remembered parents droning on and on and on about responsibility. Tried to imagine forlorn face in December. Opened another window. Determined to watch ice skating to forget writing resignation letter. It’s not just about today, say to self. But all days ever since, day after day after day of that. Thought about smoking. And buying peanut butter chocolate cake to forget.

Still in a limbo, little girl, little girl.