The Pros and Cons of Work

taking the train to god knows where

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I tried writing this post about two months back, when I was in between liking my job and hating it. I’ve always wondered why I never got around to posting it –

What I Like About My Job

1. I am paid well.
2. I am paid well while I’m doing absolutely nothing.
3. I am paid well while I sit my ass off for the rest of my shift.
4. I have medical insurance.
5. I work with a few friends.
6. I don’t have to wear boring office clothes.

What I ABHOR About My Job

1. I work during absolutely horrendous and unpredictable hours.
2. I work so far away from home — traffic + commute expenses = nightmare.
3. I work with a few horrible people.
4. More than half of my salary goes to cover my expenses in commuting.
5. I barely see my family and friends; my weekends are shit.
6. I don’t have my own workstation, and have subjected myself to squatting in other people’s computers.
7. I don’t

And that’s where I ended. Probably because it’s all too frustrating to write anyway. Most of the people say first jobs suck, but the problem with me, the problem with my work right now is, off the bat, it doesn’t actually suck.

Some people would want to be in my shoes (at least. I think.) At first glance, it seems like a good job – it takes good care enough of you so you’ll think twice before leaving, because it’s hard to find another job like this, with all the trimmings; on the other hand, it pisses you enough because you’re treated like shit, and you know implicitly that one person shouldn’t take this kind of shit from anyone in her life ever.

Bottomline, it’s bad management. Yes, I say that it’s bad management. I just can’t keep on being eaten raw like this, down to the bone. The thing I hate most is that at the onset it’s like I don’t have a choice but to stick with it, the fucking job, because there’s no other real and practical alternative. You know how my country refuses to oust the president just because we can’t find somebody else to replace the monstrosity that is our government right now? It’s like that. There are no options.

But. There are options. I know that now. I’ve been mulling over it the past few weeks, and have been strangely at limbo because I can’t come to a decision. Should I go, or should I stay, knowing that it’s all going to be a lot worse? Should I hold on to it, hoping that in the end, it’s all worth it?

The only thing that’s keeping me from going are the people I’ve met (oh such lovely, lovely people), and the fucking money I seem to get effortlessly. I’m frustrated with the lack of creativity, something I admit I agreed to in the first place. But I’ve also complained a lot of times that I hate being unproductive, something I didn’t sign up for. So, so, it all boils down to the question, where will I go from here?

I’ll give it until January. By that time I’ll be here for six months, a good enough measurement for a first job, to say that I wasn’t fickle and to say that I stuck with the contract. And then after that, I won’t pressure myself to get a new job. That’s what got my panties into a bunch in the first place. The thought of the aftermath. I don’t want to quit my job and then feel like a million-dollar asshole after.

So you know what, I might actually go for my dream — well, one of my dreams — to open up my own cafe/resto. I’ll start with something small. I’ve been planning it for years. Maybe I’ll just go for that, why not. Yes, it’s a dream, yes, I’m idealistic, yes, I’ll probably need a lot of money. But. If I want it to work, it will work. It will probably take me a long time, but it will work.

I’m no longer afraid or confused. How lovely! It just takes me some time to warm up to the idea, you know. I’m bad at coping with changes. I’m shit with things like that, and it can be shown through shoeboxes of old things I’ve kept through the years, and my inability to accept that there can be greater singers than Frank Sinatra. So there.

I’ve actually talked to a few people about this restaurant idea, so I’m a bit psyched about it. Maybe you’ll see me a few entries from now declaring what a shit idea this all is, but for now, for posterity’s sake, let me record it that on this day, I’ve actually overcome my fear of the unknown and have owned up to the idea that yes, I will quit my job the soonest possible. YAY! There, I’ve said it:

I WILL QUIT MY JOB THE SOONEST POSSIBLE

Please, please, lord of strawberry and kiwi fruit shakes, the one that is currently keeping me happy right this moment, plus the serendipitous find of a new cab route to work today, please let me keep this newfound happiness for at least another twenty-four hours.

I will command myself to think of yummy penises first thing tomorrow so I’ll be completely occupied.

I am tempted to feel sorry for myself.

that imperfect little moon, over the gate

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I had just been in the office for fourteen hours, and will return, approximately, in nine hours. I am so mad and frustrated I can’t even write an entry about this. So I won’t.

Happy fucking halloween.