Misty

To end the year I always answer some memes because I’m lazy. And yeah because it’s fun to do. I get to sit down and be faced with these questions that makes me take a good look at my life for the past year. It has become a tradition, apart from getting all sappy and shit (which happens all the time now, yes?)

Another thing I do on the eve is to check my horoscope that I’ve stashed somewhere around my room. Usually I have already researched for that at the eve of the current year, and then hid it so I won’t be psychologically fucked up by the ‘predictions’, no matter how silly they sound. And then when this day comes to, I dig it up again to see how much of everything was bullshit and how much of it actually happened to me. Surprisingly I always get good stuff, meaning they were terribly true, no matter how much I want to deny it to myself. Then again, this is just me talking about some mystic shit.

Anyway, to cap off the year, without further ado, the memes, ladies and gentlemen:

PART I: LOOKING BACK
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I almost said ‘Graduate’, but since I’ve been in school there’s nothing else to do but graduate, so let me say: Graduate from college. Graduate from illusion, and accept that things are happening and most of them I’ve got no control of.

Also: dance. In public. I have spontaneously (read: drunkenly) decided that I don’t really give a shit if people saw a fat girl dancing so that’s what I did. And I will always thank Ara and Jilly for making me do it, two lovely girls that I love to bits. I would like to say that there’s a sense of freedom in being able to let go, and all that crap, but I was really just drunk, and I had no idea what I was doing, and when I learned about it the morning after, I sat in the middle of feeling horrified and feeling so ecstatic I just want to laugh my ass off. And it was all good despite the terrible hangover.

Hmm. More?
- I also almost said ‘Get a job’, but since I’ve been around taking random offers and gimmicks, let me say: Get a job that pays.
- Went home alone from the South while a national crisis is going on. Okay, not completely alone. I was with someone I hardly know, and I ended up talking to the guy in the two hours we spent on the road. Pretty fucking uncanny. I mean, you know how I am with strangers: I’m like an old, brittle, closed-up vagina.
- Ride in cars of people I also hardly know and had some unbelievably crazy nights out
- Smoked them goddamn gudang cigarettes, which I’m not inclined to do again in the near future
- Go on a shopping spree
- Traveled out of Manila thrice in the last six months
- Lost my mobile phone. It meant something to me, that little fucker. Also I’ve never lost a thing in my life before.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I always tell myself to have less issues, but it’s a moot point, I kind of realise it now. Haha. And of course I always say ‘Good times, good shit and good body’, but so far I only have the good times and the good shit, you know? I’m still fat ahohoho what’s new.

Anyhow, these are not specifically resolutions, because these are not problems per se that need to get resolved. Let’s just call them plans, shall we? And they are, in random:

- Write more poetry and get published
- Look for a better job
- Save up so I can travel
- Travel!
- Renovate my room if I can determine for myself that it’s not a pragmatic choice to move out right now (create a bookshelf that is ceiling-to-floor; paint my walls red, buy a lava lamp, a side table, and hang my photographs)
- Buy a phonograph (I’d like to say for my father but I know I will want to use it too, ha-ha)
- Eternally treat my family and friends out to better lunches and dinners
- Take more photos
- Get Travis (my laptop) fixed so I can finally upload photos
- Get a pro account in Flickr
- Watch the new X-Files movie (hahahaha are my priorities starting to look stupid right now?)
- Read more books, watch more films, discover new music
- Learn how to drive
- Actually make a proper list of things I should focus on so I won’t be so scatterbrained
- Let go

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. Somebody at the office had a baby, I guess. Apart from that, and my infamous disappearing act from family and friends, all I can really say is, I have no fucking idea.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
We weren’t that close in her later life, but I remember her fondly. And god knows how many people in our lives we can say that about, how many of them we were so much as fond of, that tiny kindling sense of joy and melancholy put together. My great grandmother died.

5. What countries/places did you visit?
My horoscope said that it was a good year for travel, but I wasn’t able to go to anywhere else outside the country. However, I spent an unbelievably good time in a planned road trip with my friends when we went to Tagaytay. I also went to Cavite due to a company teambuilding/teambonding, but that was pretty shitty, except for the beach and the stars. I hope to be able to go more places next year. I really, really, really want to.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Stability, in terms of my job. More time to write poetry. More spontaneity. More opportunities for traveling!

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
12 October 2007 is probably one of the most peaceful days I’ve ever had with my family. It was my father’s birthday, and my sisters and I have planned a big getaway for the day. We left the city and went to Tagaytay, ate at Sonya’s Garden, and I don’t know – it was just a perfect day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating is an understatement, so I’ll say getting a job and earning my own chops. The food I ate never tasted so good until I was actually buying it from my own money. Also: getting my family and friends some awesome gifts. I’ve always wanted to do that but I never had the money, and now I do, so that was fun. I think that’s the keyword of my year: money. Hahaha.

(Also, this is insignificant to most people, but I did work hard for those things.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to move out of the house. Getting published as often as I would have liked to. Not being able to write new material! Those were the three major things I have envisioned myself to at least be making a progress on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My left shoulder got dislocated due to a car accident.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Rare copies of Frank Sinatra albums + a Chet Baker CD. Also: an external hard disk, a dress and a polaroid camera!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My father. There are so many things I’m thankful for because I felt loved by him this year. Through some little insignificant details. Yes, there were some tough calls this year for me, so many things that I had to battle out with him, but how can you not love the man when you receive an e-mail while at work telling you in so few words that he loves you (after a major big fight). And that one afternoon while we sat in the car waiting for my mother outside the bank – we were singing along at the top our lungs to Free Movement, and we were popping bubble wrap for chrissakes. How can you not love him?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The highlight of my year may be my immediate ’supervisor’. Pretty much the fucking reason for a horrible November.

14. Where did most of your money go?
- Point of No Return by Frank Sinatra
- Frank Sinatra sings for Only the Lonely
- In the Wee Small Hours by Frank Sinatra
- The Best of Chet Baker Sings
- Polaroid One600 Ultra
- Books and more books!
- Eating out with friends
- And unfortunately, cab fare going to and from work

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Traveling to Tagaytay with my friends. And getting my polaroid camera!

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
Pretty much old songs to you all, but these are my top ten.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. Happier or sadder? Happier and sadder for a lot of things.
b. Thinner or fatter? Fatter! But you already knew that.
c. Richer or poorer? Richer!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Met up with more people?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Get myself into the same uncompromising situations over and over.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I slept.

23. How many one-night stands have you had?
This guy and I tried to pick each other up, once, while I was smoking alone outside, at the patio up in 7th floor. But he was too weird and I was too spaced out for it to work. Plus my friends arrived to have dinner with me, so that ended the whole thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program for this year?
I watched a lot of Top Chef, but the major new discovery was Heroes and Queer as Folk.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
But of course! See #13.

26. What was the best book you read this year?
Hands down, these three: Silk by Alessandro Barricco, History of Love by Nicole Krauss and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery for 2007?
Amy Winehouse.

28. What did you want and get?
I received a graduation gift from my uncle. I’ve always wanted a digital camera but was really pleasantly happy to receive this. I now have four cameras in my possession:
- Jacques Cousteau, Canon Powershot S2IS extraordinare
- Jimi Hendrix a.k.a. Orphan Boy, my aunt’s old Pentax ME SLR
- Pollyanna, you guess it, the smashtastic Polaroid
- Dirty Harry, magnanimous Canon 35mm film camera

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Not necessarily shown this year, but I’ve just watched them this year, so:
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Pan’s Labyrinth
- Stranger Than Fiction
- 300

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was nothing special. I would’ve remembered.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
This year I was more of ‘dress how you feel’. So when I feel like shit, I look like shit. When I’m happy, I buy a dress. And oh, I wore Chucks for the first time, and I realised that they weren’t so bad.

33. What kept you sane?
Music. And doodling, somewhat a very funny surprise.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Karl Lagerfeld and the House of Chanel. And by fancy, I meant fancied having a nice little chat with, having tea somewhere fabulous, re-learning ways of how to subtly terrify an employee just by raising your pinkie finger. But if we have to go that route, I wet my knickers for Cillian Murphy.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
ZTE, the bombings in Manila

36. Who did you miss?
He who must not be named.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Ara!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Shit happens. And never take the train in the morning when going to work if you don’t have the guts for it.

39. One rule in your book that you promise to break next year?
Enough prudence! Take a chance!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“And you already know,
Yeah, you already know, how this will end.”
- DeVotchKa, How It Ends

PART II: LOOKING FORWARD
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes, as soon as I’m able!

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I don’t know. I’m kind of done with that two years ago, but who knows?

3. New house?
All depends if I get a better job.

4. What will you do different in 2008?
Experience more new things. A lot has happened to me the past year, but they were always versions of things in my past, like the same old happening over and over, only with shades of some variations. Not that they weren’t enjoyable, but it’s quite puzzling to me how I seem to be living a cycle, or how so many of my days are recurring patterns. Brrr.

5. What will you NOT be doing in 2008?
Cry in public. Unless it’s really, really necessary. (How can crying in public be necessary?)

6. Any trips planned?
Hopefully, the out-of-town trip with my friends will be an annual thing. I hope for one such plan for that spring up. I am also planning to go somewhere in Asia.

7. Wedding plans?
Hah! Try two years ago.

8. Major thing on your calendar?
Some plans are brewing for the month of January, it’s a work thing. I plan to have a really really really fun birthday though, because I can’t remember the last time I was glad to celebrate that I’m here.

9. What can’t you wait for?
Not much right now. I have fulfilled almost all of my wants this Christmas season, so now I’m pretty laid back.

10. What would you like to see happen differently?
My relationship with other people. I hope I can afford to be not such a fuck-up with people around me.

11. What about yourself will you be changing?
My pessimism is getting a bit boring.

12. What happened in 2007 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
Making big plans and for it to actually happen. I never got past the planning stage sometimes, because some curious outside force always decides such things were not for me. But this time, most of my plans actually pushed through. Wow.

13. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. Here’s to hoping I curb the urge to disappear again.

14. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 2007?
I will always be the earrings-and-bangles girl, and I don’t know if I’ll outgrow my love for bohemian skirts.

15. Will you start or quit drinking?
NEVER! If anything I will continue on. In fact I even bought myself a cocktail shaker before the year ended, so that should say something.

16. Will you better your relationship with your family?
In the best of intentions, I will try.

17. Will you do charity work?
I never fail.

18. Will you go to bars?
That I will still see.

19. Do you expect 2008 to be a good year for you?
I really, really hope so.

20. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I don’t know how to gauge it, really. Emotionally, I think a lot. I had to deal with a lot of grown-up things although I had no intention of growing up ever, you see. The most change that is evident may be my financial independence, and coming from a family that is like mine, it is quite a big thing.

21. Do you plan on having a child?
Goodness, I hope not.

22. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Yes. I am usually Miss Once-You’re-My-Friend-I’m-Loyal-to-You-For-Life, but we’ll see how Fate will play her cards on this one.

23. Major lifestyle changes?
If I can at least have my own privacy at home, or find a job that won’t require me to shed so much money than I care to spend, then I think it would be a big change for me.

24. Will you be moving?
Not in the first six months. On the latter part of the year I expect that I have come up with some rigid plans regarding this.

25. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 2008 that happened in 2007?
Disintegrating friendships. I’ve had enough to that, yes?

And so it’s almost the new year coming round. It’s three minutes before 2008, the fireworks are lighting up the sky, I’m still writing a cliche, but so what. It’s been a good year for me, you know. I hope you had a good one, too. In a few minutes I’ll be having a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine on the other, listening to some melancholy music while thinking about how far I’ve come.

C’mon. It’s all been good. We’ve arrived here, yes? It’s going to be a good year, now. Come along, now. We’re going out to celebrate.

I’m Only Sleeping

the sofa that has so many stories to tell, taken at a friend’s house in Baguio

~

Scratch the title. This should have been, Why I Like to Use The Beatles’ Songs as My Post Titles, Just Because I Can’t Be Bothered to Create Something of My Own.

I’m back at the office, it’s six thirty in the fucking morning, hello world. For some strange reason, I am talking in a New York accent in my head while I’m typing this. This, that, the other thing. I just had my first cigarette after four fucking days, and it’s just incredible. I’ve been through some shit, as always, and taking that wonderful delicious drag after four fucking days is better than any sex I’ve ever had, not that I haven’t orgasmed to some kinky shit, too. Can’t say though that it’s The Best Cigarette ever, because I’ve yet to try smoking while taking a crap, and I really, really believe it will feel as good as I think it would be.

What I Did During Christmas

1. I slept.
2. I received the crappiest gifts ever known to mankind.
3. I watched an army of ants and their Queen march to a tiny crack on the wall while taking a crap.
4. I received more crappy gifts.
5. I listened to my dysfunctional family be a dysfunctional family.
6. I wished for a cigarette.
7. I got cramps on my right leg.

Thank fuck for The Muse Who Spins Our Dreams, yes?

Things I Think Should Be Declared as a Crime, Punishable by Death or At Least A Full Course in College

1. Giving gifts to people – I mean, stop with all the recycling already. I’d rather have no gift at all than opening some crappy box with some nasty piece of shit in there. You could’ve at least given me real shit, I could’ve used that as fertilizer. Right?
2. Unmatched bags and shoes – because I’m prissy like that
3. Flies on the 38th floor, or any floor in the building for that matter, that is not anywhere near to the dumpster, which gives no reason for FLIES BUZZING AROUND THE FUCKING OFFICE
4. Ordering food from the menu which has a perfectly good list of edible food – I mean, there’s adventurous and there’s a stupid adventurous fuck, yes?
5. Giving crappy books or crappy clothes or anything crappy for that matter – To allude to #1, I just want to reiterate that if the store you’re buying from gives out gift certificates? Honey, trust me, they exist for the right reasons.
6. Ruining the English language by speaking it
7. Being able to fit a Size Zero

Please. It’s a good Thursday morning (so far), and I’m crossing my fingers.

I am immune to emotion.

a view from the 38th floor, obviously I’m not working

~

I am immune to emotion. Or at least, that’s the first sentence of the book I’m reading at the moment. It’s something I’m thinking about this morning, too. I haven’t been writing lately, because there’s simply nothing to write about. Not the company outing I went to, which, if not for the stars and the 2 AM breeze, I would have completely regretted. Not the disastrous coup attempt on the day that I had to make the commute to hell, not the day I got held up when I went to the south again, not the things I accidentally see and hear (THAT I DON’T WANT TO KNOW) from people I know, not the disappointment I feel with each passing day.

It’s December, and I’m trying to channel denial.

To comfort myself, I’ve recently started spending my money because I’m irritated at life in general and I feel that I’ve held on to my savings long enough. So here we go, money, here we go. Everyday I carry my Christmas wishlist in my pocket and I’m going through them slowly, one by one, until I arrive to the day when I’ve finally bought them all.

Things From My Christmas List Which I Already Bought For Myself

1. A 120GB external hard disk which immediately dented my wallet, but who fucking cares?
2. A discount card from one of my favorite bookstores
3. An original DVD copy of The Fountain, of which I read the graphic novel first. Actually quite excited about this one, because the film is directed by Darren Aronofsky, whom we previously know as the one who directed the films, Pi and Requiem for A Dream. More excited that Clint Mansell has reprised his role as the composer for the musical score. Read also from the link above that Aronofsky is trying to get his film released in the Criterion Collection, and what a fan-fucking-tastic thing that would be!
4. A Polaroid camera!
5. A dress, just because
6. Some books, as always
7. And then I treated myself and my parents to lunch

In other news, I have been taking lots of pictures lately, but haven’t been uploading them as I should have. The photo above is taken last Saturday, early early morning, at the office. I’m on a shit schedule now (what is new?) but at least I get to sneak in cameras and shoot stuff. I can’t wait to try out my new Polaroid, but I can’t seem to take my first shot because if I did, then there would only be nine left, and I don’t know yet where I can get more film for it.

More things to be excited about – I’ve learned of a distributor of Ilford films here in Manila, so I can’t wait to check it out. Been waiting for somebody to sell Ilford here since forever, and I’m going to spring for some rolls soon. (Is it just me, or was that sentence awkward?)

My days are getting shorter, I’ve noticed. And I’m feeling that all too familiar pull of wanting to hide from people I know. Just because. No, not just because. I want to NOT talk to people I know and just get lost again. After all, I’m getting good at that, haven’t I?

What’s starting to frighten me a little is that I think about it each night I go to sleep, and I think of the few people whom I am in contact with since I decided to disappear from my friends in general, and that tiny sliver of acceptance that I can afford not to see them too this time.

Maybe I just have a thing against disintegrating relationships. I can smell something’s wrong right now, with my life, with my relationships, with other people’s relationships, and goodness I am most ready to run away again.

Well then. I will just concentrate on my December shopping spree. I am after all, supposed to be in denial.

Juz swingin’

feeling like I’ve got a full house coming on, yeah

~

Because I feel really, really good today. It’s rare, to be standing in a really really good place, and oh, look, I’m all alone at my workstation now but it feels so damn good. To be this wide open and to be this alone. At least for today.

My December was off to a good start, and I’m starting my work week on a Tuesday, quite fantastic for me. I have lots of things planned for myself, the places I’d go to, the stuff I’d buy, things I’d go see — and I’m happy because it’s just all me. I’ve forgotten how much I loved this, this spending time with myself, and I’m quite excited to see how my month will go. And oh, have I told you — it’s just all me!

^______________^