rainy day lament

It used to be that I haven’t been writing because life was currently happening to me.

Well it’s the opposite this time. Nothing has been happening, so why write about how terribly pathetic my life has been?

I haven’t been the same since I quit my last job. Meaning, I was glad I did what I have to do, but I felt like I’m back where I started. See: my entries for June of last year. I’m like that again. I can’t keep on letting my life be ruled by patterns, you know?

The good thing is, I’ve discovered some things about myself when not involved in writing: I can doodle, take photos, and talk to strangers, and feel happy with that. And that’s definitely a big thing. For me, at least.

There’s a certain point in your life where you turn unexpectedly on an unfamiliar road, and you don’t know exactly if you should forge ahead. And if you did go on, like I did, you will find out that sometimes getting lost, or not seeing the ‘right’ path for awhile can be advantageous in ways that will surprise you. Remember that one month when I have declared that I will stop writing altogether? The shit I was wading through because I’m fighting for what I want was getting daunting. Do you remember that?

Well I’m happy to report that I’m past that. There’s nothing I can do, writing is who I am. When I foolishly decided I’ll stop, I cried for days because I really didn’t know what to do if ever I stopped writing. I cried until I slapped myself silly for, well, being silly.

And then began the picking up of the pieces, putting myself back together. What to do when you encounter a roadblock, when you feel that Fate is absolutely giving you no chance to get around this one? You take your time, and you wait. But you don’t give up.

So I took my time. Doodled, when the words won’t come. Took photos, when I needed to say something, but wasn’t allowed to. And I shared them with strangers. When I tried to write poetry, and wasn’t successful, I wrote letters. Notes. Folded origami. Threaded bracelets. I’m just biding my time, waiting until I can say that I’m whole again.

You have no idea how depressed I got, or how much I needed to connect with friends who had an idea of what I was going through. And most of my friends don’t, actually.

So yeah, please be patient. I’m alive, I’ll come back.