Superstar

When I wrote this, I knew it. I knew exactly that my fears will come true. It’s not a matter of psyching my brain for self-actualized disasters to counter my happiness, it just is.

My Bad Karma in Exchange for Good Karma

1. The two job offers went down the drain. The scenario changed so suddenly I was really flabbergasted. Verklempt. What else do you want me to say? One turned me down because I was overqualified. I didn’t know what I did to be too deserving of the position. What does one do to be an editorial assistant? How do I dumb myself down so I can get the job? Apparently, with less than a year of experience, I am still too much for the job.

The other one didn’t want me to work full-time, which baffled me a lot. They said they didn’t want to let go of me because of what I can do, but they just can’t absorb me right now. What the hell does that mean? (And when I did ask what it meant, I didn’t get an answer.)

2. My grandfather and my father were confined at the hospital. Those were two of the most exhausting weeks of my life.

3. I’m still jobless.

4. After three years of really, really fighting hard for it, I’m at this point again. Back in college, the diagnosis was I needed to see a psychologist and take antidepressant and antianxiety pills. The same diagnosis given to me when I was in senior year of high school, dammit. But I said no, and I helped myself along the way. Persisted to keep my head above the water. Now I’m just feeling that all too familiar pull and I’m just really scared.

More Good Karma That Might Result to Another Exchange of Bad Karma

1. My online portfolio is temporarily here. With nothing much in my hands because the freelance thing is a bit slow, I had more time to make another portfolio. I don’t know why, I just feel like it will come in handy.

2. My parents have pretty much accepted that I will never again settle for a fucktard job like I did the first time around, because I will really kick my own ass if I did. This doesn’t stop them though from pulling a Michael Kors during deliberation time at Project Runway, ie insult your soul while making a very accurate observation of your self-worth. So I guess I’ll just have to swallow their side comments for the rest of my life, in exchange of their artificial understanding of my stubbornness.

In line with this, since they also can’t stand seeing me apply at independent companies, whose names they can’t brag about to their friends by the virtue of the companies being unknown to many, I’ve been told that if I wanted to start my own business, I have their go signal. All I have to do is create a very sound business plan and present it to them formally.

I don’t know what to do, really. And this is exactly what I feel, what I’m scared of, 100% these days:

“[I never wanted to be my own boss.]…I don’t think i’ve ever wanted that, in fact i’ve often shied away from it, during the dot-com heydey, and consciously chosen the boring default. I’m not sure why exactly, whether it’s sharing a name with the unbelieving apostle, cowardice, conveniene or just high resilience to bs. It doesn’t really matter after all, the point I wanted to make was that I never dreamed of being my own boss, i would have been contented working for other people all my life. in fact I think I would mostly prefer to be part of a team, with limited responsibility for having to make it all make sense (and money).

Yet here I am, running a small non-profit with Sebastian. Responsible for my own destiny, our success, and a lot of other high-brow things. It just happened this way. I found the ideal business in ict’s for the developing world, in which i had more fun, more fullfillment, and more interesting challenges in 3 month than i would have in a year of web agency, dot-not mayhem. I knew that that was what i wanted to work with, and i took the only path that presented itself to me. being my own boss.

It’s haunting me now. I can’t help but feel misplaced in so many ways. I can’t help but dream of having a regular job, with colleagues, limited responsibility, and the ability to run away screaming if it all becomes too much. Perhaps that’s really what it is, a fear of being trapped. trapped in a construct i invented, trapped in a job that i don’t really want, but can’t run away from, because that would be running away from myself and my dream.

i think that’s probably a large part of it. it’s a responsibility i never wanted, but having taken it upon myself, despite this fat, i need to deal with it or find a way out that leaves at least a few bridges standing.”

I don’t know if I’m just lacking in self-belief. I’m pretty sure if this was presented to me a year ago I’d be balls out with this thing. My elder sister firmly believes I can do it. I wish I have her enthusiasm. I just don’t know if this is what I should be doing.

3. I got my final paycheck from my old job. And there’s nothing else to say. I mean, of course I miss some of the people there, the beautiful people who have become my friends. Meeting a wonderful person like Gingey was one of the best things that happened to me. I firmly believe that a strong bond existed between us in our past lives.

But no matter what they say, I’m still glad I left. And I’m happy that two of my friends left. Because it’s just not the best place to work. Ever. It sucks the life out of you. I’m sorry, I just have to say it. With people leaving, a lot of them have been pretty sentimental in their blogs the past few weeks, and I just can’t bring myself to say anything else but give them all a virtual hug. If you can be the person who can stand an adversity with a little help from your friends, then by all means, embrace that kind of life.

It’s just not for me. I knew I had to fix my life, and relying on the power of friendship to get me through the day is not the answer. I might be seen as the loser, the stupid girl who quit before she had another job — but I’m not joking when I say that it was one of the smartest things I did in my life.

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*sigh* I’m blabbering again, am I? No, I’m not drunk. It’s just three in the morning and I’ve been sitting here thinking all day. Just sitting and thinking, would you believe it? All day. I know there are a lot of grammatical errors here but I’m too tired to edit myself. You are witnessing my brain on run-on function. Bye.